I had a jump start on the weekend because we haven't had school since Wednesday and this is suiting me so, so well. But these three days have been spent on nothing but family business, and this is dragging all of us down. My bones are aching for summer, as all of us are. I have been nothing but sleepy and blank and half-empty. My mother yelled at me at the entrance of a hospital earlier this afternoon because she says that during the day I'm hardly awake. "It always feels like you're dead!" I didn't know if I should laugh or scowl so I just took huge gulps of silence.
My parents had christened me with three names and through the years I've been called each of them along with several derivations. It just depends when and who and why. The first: the shortest, the one I use the longest, the most. The second: the least liked. And I admit that there was a time when I seriously considered asking people to call me by the third. I thought that it sounded prettier, much more elegant. But really, even then it was a whole lot more than that. But this is another story in itself; one that's too old, too long, too complicated Another who, another when, another why. Hardly anyone calls me Isabelle now. It's because I don't let them.
I've gotten used to thinking that I've learned to care less; gotten comfortable with the thought, even. I take comfort in it, curl my body around this assurance of indifference because we all know that less emotions mean less pain. Distance is something I thought I'd learned to cultivate. But there's always someone who comes along and makes all of the effort you put into something seem like they're not enough. I still care a little too much.
This evening I came home with Little Women, Anansi Boys, and American Gods. Maybe this will make it all okay.
Seventeen and studying Psychology. I like books, coffee, lyricism, magic hour, (in)signifcant moments, free-verse poetry, mental disorders, female anatomy, pretty smiles, late night conversations, and the time it takes for two people to transcend the boundary between strangers and friends.
I keep sadness at bay by constantly falling in love with the little things in life. My name is Anna and this is where I try to write.
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